I’ve put on weight.
This is not attention seeking, neither is it fishing for compliments.
It is a statement of fact.
I knew I had, because I have a room full of clothes that are way too tight. I’m limited to one suit, because the others are uncomfortable. Thankfully, it’s the machine washable one, so keeping it clean isn’t a problem. But plucking up the courage to find out what the damage was, well, I had put it off. It wasn’t as bad as I thought, but it was bad. I’m 6.2kg heavier than when I was running at my best. I’ve been feeling heavy and sluggish running, and carrying the extra weight might be one reason why.
What I have found somewhat, and I can’t think of a better word, unsettling is that some people haven’t exactly seen my point of view. I’m a lot more thick-skinned as I get older, but it is also very close to being hurtful. A few years ago, I would have been close to tears, but now, I’m kind of ‘cheers for the support, guys’ in a very sarcastic tone of voice.
I’ve never understood why slimmer people aren’t allowed to feel ‘fat’. I’d guess most people find that their weight fluctuates. Sometimes, it just a temporary thing, but other times, it lingers, and a change has to happen. So I turn to my friends for some support, and instead get comments like ‘you don’t need to lose weight’ or ‘there are people who would kill to be as far as you’. The fact I bought a dress months in advance of a special occasion, and rather then the slightly flowy shape it should have, it looks like a bodycon dress, is irrelevant? I just have to put up with it? At what point am I allowed to say, ‘hang on a mo, this is getting silly, I need to shift some of this timber!’?
I feel like I’m being made to be ashamed for wanting to lose a bit of weight. That I should be grateful I am not like other people. I don’t care about other people, this is my health and well-being! I’m not running well, and I’m already feeling low. The fact I’m now limited to wearing the same few clothes isn’t helping me. It’s not as if I’m looking to lose stupid amounts of weight, but to get back to where I was a couple of years ago. I’m being told that my weight gain is not noticeable, so surely the loss won’t be either. I’m talking about one dress size, not life-changing weight loss.
It also rankles because I’ve been accused of having eating disorders for most of my life. These kind of comments make me think that now people are gossiping behind my back, when all I want to do is wear my new dress! It’s not too much to ask, surely? It just makes me even more inclined not to talk to people about how I’m feeling. There doesn’t seem to be any point in opening up, not if I’m not going to be taken seriously.
Anyway, I’ve gone back to using My Fitness Pal again, to see where I’m going wrong. I didn’t think I was overeating, and it turns out I wasn’t. For some reason, I’ve not been getting enough protein. Someone also told me that this might be why I’m constantly ill and full of niggles. I also read an article about magnesium deficiencies, and I ticked all the boxes. Weight gain was one of them. So the plan has been to try and eat more wholefoods, drink more water, supplement my protein intake where necessary, and take magnesium supplements. After one week, I can feel sleeker, certainly the muffin top has disappeared. It’s also noticeably slimmer around the rib cage, which is where I’ve been struggling with my posh work shirts. I’ve lost 0.8kg in the first week. I’ve had an ankle problem, and now I have tonsillitis, so haven’t run in a week. It’s not bad when just making some tweaks to my diet (and I use that word loosely, it’s just a bit more thought and consideration over what I eat).
I’ve still got some way to go, and it’s a process that will take months rather than weeks to resolve, but I’m feeling a bit more positive and in control. Hopefully, I will reap the benefits on the road, as well as with my wardrobe!